Commitment Fears

Hello Mr. Marriage,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for quite a few years and we’re both struggling with how to make the decision to move it forward or let each other go. We both want to have a very healthy loving marriage if that’s what we decide is best, but we can’t seem to get un-stuck. He says somethings missing, I love you but I’m not excited, don’t feel in love - yet he doesn’t want to give up.

We’ve both been in individual counseling and have worked through many of our childhood issues and we have set up healthy boundaries so those feelings do not negatively affect our relationship.

We would like to attend a retreat or see a therapist together but we don’t want to have to start at square one. We need some help with making this decision and do not want to be in counseling for a long period of time.

Do you offer or have any suggestions for retreats or workshops or intensive couples counseling that we could participate in to help guide our decision and the direction of our relationship? Can you please provide a price range on the services you offer as well?

Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you,

Dear Friend,

First, let me start by saying I love relationship/marriage education, but it has limits and you are in that place where a workshop is not going to help. Not with this situation.  But the moment this situation is resolved you could receive great value from learning and growing as a couple. A class will not work because your problem in not communication but commitment. 

Second, it concerns me that he is waiting to feel more love before he knows you are the right one, because feelings come and go in a relationship.  Your problems would not be solved if tomorrow he felt loving and decided to marriage you. Somewhere in the future the feelings will subside and because his commitment is feeling based his commitment to the marriage will weaken. When the feels ebb he will begin to doubt his decision.  "Oh I must have made a mistake."

To make commitments based on feelings is not a commitment at all. Commitments are a choice we make and not one that the world or our situation makes for us.  A commitment says: it does not matter what happens, richer or poorer, sickness or in health, feeling loved or not, I am going to love you forever." 

Don’t get me wrong. I think love is at the core of any relationship! But I believe love is my responsibility to bring to my relationship.  It is the responsibility of each person in the relationship to nurture feelings of love in ourselves and then share them with our partner.  The view he has of love as something passive or even worse, something he is waiting for his partner to create, is a recipe for failure; YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM FEEL LOVE.  Love is a choice that is then manifested through our actions.

Finally, I would suggest you see a marriage/relationship counselor and address the issue one on one.  You need answers and therefore you need a place where you can ask questions. That is the benefit of individual counseling.  Once you’re both committed to moving forward I would strongly suggest you do some pre-marital classes.

Brett "Mr. Marriage"