How do I trust again?

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Hi,

Can you please suggest a class/seminar that would help me with learning how to trust again!!!! My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 11. I found out recently that my husband was having contact, via phone (texting) and phone conversations with another woman. When I inadvertently got one of the text messages, I asked him who it was, and he said he had no idea, which didn’t sit well with me, so I researched the cell phone bill. And to my astonishment, he had been texting this person, and having 3 hour conversations with this woman. When confronted about the text messages, he said SHE was pursuing him, but I then found the 3 hour conversation and said if SHE was pursuing you and you know her intentions why would you talk to her for 3 hours?? He swears nothing was going on, but I have an issue with trusting what he says. This is not the only issues in our marriage that is causing me to have this issue. I am in the marriage at this point because we do have a son together. And I do truly love him, but I do not know how to get past the issue of my HUSBAND looking me in the eye and lying to me....

Don’t Trust Him!

Thanks for writing and I want to start by saying I am so sorry for your situation.  First off let me say, PLEASE DON’T TRUST HIM! HE IS NOT TRUST WORTHY.  You don’t need a class to learn to trust again, you need a class where you can learn to be strong.  Give Dave Carter a call at Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton. He as a book on dealing with affairs and he would be a wonderful resource.  And as for you? You need to get some counseling for yourself, to help you become stronger.

You said this was recent, so it is appropriate for you to have all your feelings of distrust.  I want you to listen to your intuition and follow your gut because it was correct.

Secondly, trust is his problem. He needs to work really hard right now letting you know he wants to rebuild.  He needs to show you his phone records every month, and his phone every day to prove that he is not communicating with her.  He needs to be working at rebuilding the relationship by going to counseling with you and talking openly about the issues that got you here.  He needs to be accountable with his time and keep you up to date with where he is and what he is doing every minute of the day.  Finally, he needs to cut off all contact with the other person. 

And to be honest with you if he will not do these things for you and for the relationship then you don’t have a relationship.  We can only love one person at a time, so as long as he has a bond with her, that cuts you out of the picture.  If he is not willing to do these simple requests and a few others, then he has no intention on working on the relationship and you need to see an attorney to find out how to protect yourself. 

Please understand that an affair can be the best thing that has ever happened to your marriage.  If he is willing to work and use the pain that he has caused to make the marriage more connected than ever before, then the affair can produce blessings for your marriage.   

But the ball is not in your court. Which way this will all fall out, it is up to him.  And you, my dear, you need to focus on you.  Good will come out of this but you must choose it.