Hello I am a mother of three and married but I filed for divorce. As the court date became closer, I started doubting my choice and wondering if this in fact is really what I wanted. My husband was unfaithful about two years ago. I tried to work things out and then a year later found out that he had a female friend that he was dishonest about when I question him. So that’s when I filed for divorce. Now I want to try to give it one more shot. But when I told him how I felt, he then told me he was talking to someone. Now he has cut that friend off and says he is willing to give it 100%. We are not living together, but I feel like I am the only one really trying. I don’t know what else to do? I am hoping for something that is not there? I feel unconnected or maybe I am pushing for things he’s not ready for????
When I hear questions like these my heart breaks. I can only image the pain and anxiety that must be going on for you every day, what a difficult situation for you, and your children. I am going to answer your question based on what I imagine you are feeling, but you are the expert and you must do what you know is true. And that is my first piece of advice, keep listening to your intuition no matter what I say, or anyone else, you have to listen to your own heart and do what is right for you.
Fear is at the core of your question. You are afraid to get hurt, you are afraid to love because if you let yourself connect again he may cheat on you again and you don’t want to feel that pain over. But you are also afraid to hurt your children. The first thing you said in your question was "Hello I am a mother of three..." that is how you see your primary role and your identity right now; your sole purpose is to protect your children. Thinking about divorce goes against all you are, as a mother and a wife. So you are experiencing all kinds of confusion with these two impulses, to protect yourself, and yet to be a mother and wife.
What if you did not make this choice from a place of fear? It is going to be painful if you stay, there are a lot of feelings to work out between the two of you, and it will be painful to go, divorce is not easy on anyone. Instead let me suggest you look at your choice from a point of view of how you identify yourself, as a mother and a wife. I am sure it is not easy being a soldier going off to war. But soldiers understand the risks and they remember that they are doing it all for a higher good, to protect America. In the same way I would suggest you forget about the dangers ahead. That does not mean being stupid and walking into the line of fire, but see yourself fighting for a higher cause, your children and the family as a whole.
There are hundreds of studies that show divorce is bad for everyone, particularly children. I can’t think of any research that shows divorce has a positive effect for you or the kids. So if doing what is right for the family is your vision then this situation deserves another chance.
He may still cheat, he may even divorce you, but that is all on him. At the end of the day, when the kids ask what happened? You can answer with honesty that you did your best. You gave it every chance, even when it was only a small chance. And if it does workout, and he is willing to give his 100% then you will look back 5 years from now with pride and tears of joy in your eyes knowing that you make it work, that your choice to forget your fears paid off and because of you your family and children were blessed.
Now one other suggestion; get help! You too will not be able to make this change on your own. You need to change the patterns that got you here. So I would suggest getting some marriage education. There is a class at the end of this month, you will find it on the website OCMarriage.com. YOU TWO HAVE TO BE THERE!
Take care and write again,
Brett Williams
"Mr. Marriage"
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