I am currently remarried - 2nd marriage. This is my current husbands 3rd marriage. We both have expectations and baggage. Can you please give us some direction?
My question is in regards to blended families. We have four children between us. My husband has two children, 11 & 17 in our home every other week. And, I have two children, 17 & 19, in our home every week. My husband also has a 23 year old daughter, from his first marriage that has never lived with him. This child currently lives in SD and we see each other occasionally.
Blending our family has had its challenges over the past four/five years.
We got married 08-08-08 but have lived together for most of our relationship.
Our blending problems seem to be primarily in the category of balancing time & priorities. We seem to conflict from time to time on boundaries and follow through also. There has been verbal abuse, abandonment issues and threats of divorce & leaving presented by my husband if we don’t get this resolved.
My husband and his youngest have spent a lot of time together before I came along. In fact, for the most part they spent all their time together. In his previous marriage he leaned to this child instead of his relationship with his wife and they both have grown dependant upon that relationship. It seemed completely normal to them. When I came along it presented a problem because I became the intruder when my husband wanted to spend time with me.
Or, for that matter when I wanted to spend time with my husband. For me, time/attention is love and so I communicate my need for his time. To top it off, my husband is a very successful business owner which can occupy a lot of his time. He works more than 60 hours a week. He schedules weekend appointments when he doesn’t have his children, plus we have a home office.
His cell phone rings off the hook with business calls all hours of the day.
As much as I want a peaceful home, I find myself not quiet when life gets out of order. The order that I am speaking of is my expectation and understanding that a spouse is to be your first ministry and in a list of priorities I understand they should be under God, before children, work, church service and entertainment & friends. That being said, I want to be clear it’s not the child that I have a problem with, it’s my husband and his balancing act. Which I know is challenging for him and I have great empathy for his effort and everything he needs to do. I am struggling for confidence at this point and really want to know if I am standing on sound doctrine. It’s the fact that he gives the child more priority in our home than I am given. He thinks that this child should be able to lie in our bed, have full reign of the house, sit between us, that I’m supposed to let the child use all my things and not say no. He believes that every other 7 days I should just take a back seat and let them be together. And that I should be happy with my every other week. He thinks I am being unduly selfish to want his time or attention during that week. He can’t understand why I am having intimacy issues. He speaks of divorce and can’t understand why I feel insecure.
I take offense when he can take this child out for breakfast but doesn’t have time to take me out for breakfast that same week. He pulls away from work because his child needs to go to skating practice in the afternoon for three hours, but when I ask to meet for lunch he doesn’t have time. I have suggested that maybe after he drops his 11 year old off at school he might meet me for breakfast. I’ve suggested that one day instead of me making his lunch we could meet for a short lunch just because. I have suggested that on the week he has his children maybe we could go on a date when he gets home from skating, it would also set a good example for his children & mine to see us go on a date night. I am met with opposition. I am now wondering why these are good suggestions for him and his child and why I don’t deserve the same sacrifice. It makes me feel devalued and less important in his life. I hate it. I don’t want to feel this way...I am getting more insecure and he is drawing back.
He thinks I’m crazy and trying to control him. The child thinks I don’t like them and it’s really getting out of control. My husband is speaking of leaving me.
My question stems from this struggle. Can you please give some insight as to family order in a blended family setting and if I am fighting a good fight or if I am just sabotaging my relationship? Can you please confirm that it might be acceptable for me to ask for this time on the week he has his children or if I am being selfish in an unhealthy way?
He and I are open to counseling. Can you direct us to a therapist that will fight with us for our marriage, give us tools that will work for us and not suggest divorce???
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Hi my friend,
What I heard in the first part of your question was "how do I change my husband?" I can now hear you talking back to the page saying "No that’s not it. I don’t want to change him I just want him to give me a little time and attention". Well, if he is not giving you time and attention now, then that would be a change. He is not going to be the one to change; it’s going to be you because you are the one with the problem. What I mean by problem, is you are the one who is upset and wants things to be different. It sounds like your husband is happy with you third on his list of priorities, behind his work and his son. But you’re not happing at the bottom of the list.
The problem is this; you don’t believe in yourself enough to insist that you are the number one thing in your husband’s life, and therefore you are not. Your lack of confident goes so deep you don’t even believe he would choose you if you did make him choose. Your self doubt most clearly comes out in your second to last question. "Can you please confirm that it might be acceptable for me to ask for this time on the week he has his children or if I am being selfish in an unhealthy way?" Can I give you permission to ask for what you need, and assure you along the way that you are not selfish?
Now we are clear on what needs to change; you. Let’s get to work. The law of love is very simple, you must love your neighbor as you love yourself. You are aware of your husband is out of balance in that he is thinking of his own needs, but you are equally out of balance in that you are only thinking of others and not yourself. Learn from him. Think like him. Ask yourself, "would he have a problem asking for some time for his needs?"
Let me be more specific. Tonight I want you to sit down with him and let him know you found a class or a counselor you would like to attend. Let him know you have set everything up and you two will be going together. Expect him to be unhappy, and he may even protest. That’s all fine. He is allowed to have his feelings as are you.
Now I will expect to see you at our next workshop. And great job for asking for what you need and want.
Write again if you have more questions.
Blessings to you both,
Brett R. Williams
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